Conan Gray Explores the Horrors of Love in “Killing Me”
Photo: Elizaveta Porodina
“I wanna die but you keep me alive, you’re killing me.”
There is nothing scarier than realizing someone you hold close does not treat you the way they should be. Whether it be a friendship built on a foundation of gossip and jealousy, a one-sided semi-toxic on-and-off relationship, or a three-month situationship that's one unread ‘What are we?’ text away from another mental breakdown, it can be terrifying to confront the one person you thought you could trust most. This Halloween, the king of indie-pop Conan Gray returns with a new single, “Killing Me,” where he faces the horrors of an unrequited love.
“Killing Me” is an ode for the girlies who know a connection is not serving them in the way it should be; but just because they are aware of it, does not make it any easier to call it quits. Gray’s writing captures this push and pull of knowing you should leave but simultaneously wanting to stay as he sings, “I just want you to free me, And though I am cryin’ and bleedin’, And barely breathin’, I can’t let go of your heart.” With each verse, Gray tells the all-too-familiar narrative of being blinded by the idea of what a person could be instead of recognizing them for who they actually are, and honestly, it’s hitting a little too hard right now.
On the songwriting of “Killing Me,” Gray shares, “I wrote ‘Killing Me’ while I was sick with the flu. It was a miserable time where I was both physically sick, but also super heartbroken over somebody. Hence, ‘you’re KILLING me.’ I think we all have those people who don’t treat us nearly well enough, but we just can’t seem to let them go. People who call you at 2AM, and who you know you shouldn’t pick up......but you do. ‘Killing Me’ is for when you’re on your last limb begging this person to just please stop torturing your heart.”
Between its use of pop synths and retro keys, “Killing Me” is fit for a 1980s horror film—specifically during the climax where the protagonists are finally facing the monster, running through the halls of a haunted house filled with broken mirrors and ticking clocks, unsure of where their fate lies (think: any finale episode of Stranger Things). The production exists in a similar world as “Telepath” and “Never Ending Song,” meshing '80s synth-pop influences with Gray’s signature vocals and storytelling to create a cinematic world for the listener to get lost in (seriously, I feel like I’m at a roller rink wearing neon orange shorts as I am listening to the song on repeat while typing this article). With each new release, it feels like Gray is establishing a new era for him and his sound; he’s no longer just the kid with a piano in his bedroom, he’s well on his way to becoming a fully realized pop star.
Watch the “Killing Me” lyric video below:
